“I want to adopt, but my husband doesn’t.”
I’ve heard this so many times. Usually, the woman is looking at me with a deep despair and urgency. Her eyes are filled with tears, as she silently solicits me for the words of wisdom that will move her husband towards adoption, or give her the go-ahead to move forward without him.
I have been there. Before we began our last adoption, Aaron and I were on completely different pages about more children. I wanted more, but he was done. It was a trying time in our marriage, and I’m so thankful that someone poured a couple of great truths into me. I shut my mouth, began to pray, and allowed God to be the One to change Aaron’s heart. I never could have done it on my own.
My first advice to you as a wife is to quit nagging your husband. The last thing your husband wants or needs is to have you constantly nagging him about this. Nagging is awful on its own, but nagging your husband to adopt is extra hard. Wanting your husband’s heart to be moved toward orphans is a good thing but making him feel awful about not having that desire yet is not.
And you nagging him is going to give him feelings of guilt—and guilt will not move his heart towards adoption. God’s Word says that “An endless dripping on a rainy day
and a nagging wife are alike” (Proverbs 27:15). Ouch. I definitely don’t want to be as annoying as a continual dripping of water! You do not want your husband to change his mind about adoption because you wouldn’t leave him alone about it.
My second advice for you is to pray. I know that seems so “churchy” to say, but hear me out. God listens to the prayers of His people. Your Father in heaven wants you to ask Him for things—His Word says just that! And it’s important to remember when praying for what you want, to also be open to what God wants, as He knows the situation far better than you do.
There have been two times in our marriage when Aaron and I were on completely different pages about things. Both times I prayed that God would bring us together on the issue. My big prayer went like this: “God, I want to be united with Aaron. Change his heart on this or change mine, but please bring us together.”
Asking God to change your heart is a big thing. Pray with the urgency that you feel for the orphan, but also pray with equal urgency for God to guide this situation and move your heart closer to your husband’s. God can move your husband’s heart, but you cannot. Allow God to do this. Ask Him—no, beg Him!—to bring you and your husband to the same desire, even if that means you do not get your way.
My final advice is to wait. Allow God to do His thing. The last thing you want is for your husband to agree to adopt or foster simply because you wouldn’t quit talking about it. If this happens, then when things get hard, it will be your fault for talking him into adoption. My friend, you do not want that.
Wait on God and let Him move. He knows your heart, and He knows your husband’s. Allow Him to bring your hearts together. Love your husband well as you wait. He’s on a journey just like you, but he may just be a few steps behind you. Don’t make him feel bad about that. Love him, pray for him, and watch as God brings you closer to your husband through this.
If you find yourself in a position of wanting to adopt or foster right now, I ask that you close your mouth about it, pray with passionate urgency, and wait patiently for God to move. God loves you. God loves your husband. God loves the orphan. God has a plan. Rest in that.